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"He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not"

Updated: Sep 6, 2021

Three reasons why I love having a blog:

  1. I'm able to go back, read posts, and remember how silly I used to think.

  2. My do's and don't's list grows, as I learn from past blogging mistakes, and therefore, become a better writer.

  3. After posting about what I've been walking through, I'm able to look back at those old journal entries and observe how God moved in those situations, which encourages me to keep documenting all of my favorite moments with God.

And, today, I want to document something special.

I'm writing this post for those of you who lived like me for many, many yearsthose of you who are unaware of God's pinky promise to both you, me, and every human being ever.

You'll have to keep reading to find out what that promise is, but first, let me take you back to the last words you read from me on the blog, which wereand I quote:

"And, if I know that [who God is]if I have enough faith to believe thatI am sure that I will be able to move any mountain I face."

Low and behold, readers.

This week, my faith literally moved a mountain!

I'm not going to brag about my faith ('cause it really was only the size of a mustard seed), but I am going to brag about the God I put my faith in.

Because, whoa! While I was steady crying myself to sleep every night throughout the month of May (cue the nervous laughter), God already had in mind what He was going to do and where He was going to take me. But before He could let me see it, He had to challenge what I believed. Better yet, He challenged what I didn't believe.

And, what I didn't believe had everything to do with the way I treat myself, people, God, my career, my dream, my life. It had everything to do with why I walked through what I walked through.

It's the aforementioned promise I want to introduce to you today. It's a promise that I believed was true for everyone but myself.

What that promise is, you might be anxiously asking?

Jesus really, really loves us.

He loves all of us. All of us. Not one person is unloved by Jesus.

He. Loves. Everyone.

But, I'm serious about what I said earlier, regarding this amazing promise.

For almost my entire faith journey with God, I never really believed that He loved me.

In fact, if you read through my last couple of blog posts, it really showed.

I have the privilege (or, not so privilege) of knowing the behind-the-scenes moments of every post before they go live. Most of them include me twiddling my thumbs over the keyboard, watching the cursor blink back at me, trying to find something to saysomething that will encourage you, uplift you, affirm God's truth over you. But, even as I committed myself to letting others know that God loved them, I, myself, didn't believe it to be true for myself.


Because I know me.

I know myself on a Monday morning, and Monday-morning Yana...ain't so saved and sanctified while driving to work, if you know what I'm saying.

And, Hangry Yana? She's not so blessed and highly favored.

Tempted Yana isn't a pretty picture.

Disappointed Yana is pitiful.

Even Peaceful Yana is a bit deceiving. I've recognized that most of the time, I only have peace when things are going well, not because I was resting in God's goodness despite the circumstances around me.

So, because I know myself all too well, I thought it was simply impossible for God to love me. Well, maybe a little possibleon some daysbut not as much or as often as everyone else. And, I won't say that I have never been honest enough to say that before, as I try to stay as honest as I can online. But, I've never put language to it when it came down to why I am so stinking hard on myself, why I'm deathly afraid to make a mistake or say something wrong or be misunderstood. My desire to be perfect ultimately stemmed from the fact that I was trying to make God love me, not letting myself believe that He already does.

What happened then is that I began to think I was doing God a favor for telling others about His love for them all the while denying the truth myself. But, what I later learned is that I was actually operating against the way God designed my brain to work. If you ever say or behave in a way that goes against what you actually believe, you're actually causing damage to your brain. Did you know that? I didn't! (Shoutout to Dr. Matthew Stevenson for the revelation!) But, it makes sense why living this way took such an emotional toll on my being. I was being hypocritical, if you think about it! Believing one thing to be true for someone else, but not to be true for myself.

But, what I want to document here on the blog today is what God is currently reshaping in my life:

My belief about His love for me.

He's getting me to see just how deep this love goes. How deep and wide and long and high. He's getting me to believe that His love won't ever fail me. Not to mention, He's showing me how sweet His love actually is. It's the kind of love that dances me around the kitchen while I'm making dinner, the warming up the car for me in the morning love. Flowers just because love. "I saw this and thought of you" love. The kind of love thatI don't knowlays down its life for me only to be taken up again three days later so that I can be completely forgiven, free, and certain of the way God feels about me!

Even writing about it kind of makes me want to have church!

And, as I am in the early stages of really gripping this truth, that I don't have to find some flower and let the petals determine if "He loves or He loves me not," I am learning to rest in it, so I can eventually walk in it and drink it and live from it and explore it and tell about it and rely on it and thank Him for it. Because if He really loves me the way that He loves me (which He does), and if He loves you the way that He loves you (which He does), then what on God's green earth can stop us from doing what we're called to do? Don't you think it's time you and I both take God's love at His word?

I don't know about you, but I'm going to, all the while ridding myself of those filthy lies I believed about myself for so long. And, it'd be a privilege to learn God's love alongside of you. It's going to get sweeter, and we will become more complete. And, who knows? By the time I blog next, I'll be able to testify about all of what God has shown me.

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